If You Give a Bureaucrat a Bagel

If You Give a Bureaucrat a Bagel

He (inappropriate) (must be gender neutral) They will want a doughnut instead. They will demand it be a Crispy Crème, and will refuse any reasonable alternative as inferior.

They will want a cup of coffee to go with it. But it must not be just any cup of coffee. It must be a brew of socially responsible gourmet coffee: beans organically grown by a cooperative made up of indigenous persons, and custom roasted and served by a small sole proprietor, preferable of some minority status, who provides a full range of benefits to their staff and pays well over minimum wage. 

Once the deliciously progressive cup of custom roasted, socially responsible, gourmet coffee is consumed, the bureaucrat will want a physically and mentally stimulating workout. Instead of taking a walk, they will form an advocacy group of fellow bureaucrats to lobby their employer to utilize taxpayer funds to provide a gym, free of charge. In the long run, this will save the tax payers money through increased morale, therefore productivity, among the workforce.

With a place to work out, they will also need the time. Instead of going to the gym before or after work, they will form an advocacy group of fellow bureaucrats to demand their employer allow each employee to take up to three hours a week, during regular work hours, to exercise. In the long run, this will save the tax payers money by promoting healthier lifestyles and boosting morale, therefore increasing productivity, among the workforce.

After an invigorating workout, they will need a time of peaceful solitude for personal reflection, meditation, and refreshment of both spirit and body. They will form an advocacy group of fellow bureaucrats to lobby their employer to utilize taxpayer funds to provide a serenity room. In the long run, this will save the tax payers money through increased morale, therefore productivity, among the workforce.

After a period of quiet relaxation and contemplation, they will return to the office. Upon completion of the minimally legally required quantity of selfless, sacrificial, public service, they will want to take a break.

When they take a break, they will want a deliciously progressive cup of custom roasted, socially responsible, gourmet coffee.

If you give them a cup of coffee, they will want a doughnut.